Monday, August 17, 2009

The Horrible Mother and Wounded Daughter

Watching my daughter L getting ready to strike out on her own in college has been strange. She is all grown up but has so much more growing to do.......Maybe I have been a little hard on her, wanting her to make those adult decisions and just be totally responsible, focus and efficient. Just getting the packing done already!!! These weeks have been stressful and we have been in a number of fights, more than ever in our lives, more than during college application season. I grumble and yell and she with her stony stare :( Yeh, that is how we fight- one sided fights. Me- the horrible grumpy mommy and L, the angry daughter yelling at the top of her mental lungs! (Oh, what bloody wounds have you inflicted upon me???) Ha, ha....I guess I can be a bit intimidating and at the bottom of her rotten behavior is my sweetest darling daughter.

I know she wants to be spoiled just a little while more. Me? - I look and wonder how is she going to cope when she is on her own? Certainly, not if she procrastinate all the time and thinks that things will just work out.....I see my little girl looking at me and saying "Mommy fix it. Mommy make it better." This time, I will not be there to help to make it work........ That scares me.

I see her rushing around and making and spending time with her friends before she leaves for college. She makes time for her brother, plays guitar hero with him and talks about how much she will miss him and all the milestones in his life. Reminds him to keep her updated all the time. He in turn is always asking where she is, when is she coming home, as she moves like a tornado through our house in her whirlwind of activities. He cooks for her..... He loves her. At least I have that part right- encourage a sibling bond that is beautiful and strong. I know that they will always be there for one another.

How's the daddy? He will miss her too much......but he is stronger than I am. He is sad she is not actually spending time with him but is around him. He is dealing with it. Ha, ha it must be the male bonding advice he got at his class reunion - how to handle child leaving for college. At least he in not enrolled in her college as he has threatened all these years! He laughs when she tells him he is her sugar daddy. He buys her what she needs, what she wants and just spoils her rotten. He wants her to come home every month and for now, she wants to! Ha, ha... we'll see.

Me. I want to be spoiled too. I want my little girl to spend time with want to spend time with me like she has always done so in the past. It hurts when I see her making time for others because it is "my last chance to see them" but not me :( That is the horrible kind of mother I am!!!! It is not letting go. I can but the ridiculous (I hope!) feeling of not being important to her anymore.

I know you need to say your goodbyes because it is "my last chance" and that you will miss me and we will still be close. I need to spoil you more because you need to feel that nothing has changed and Mommy will be here always for you (not the Horrible One but the one with the halo). I need not to worry so much because you are my daughter- you will prevail. You will do what need to be done when the time comes. You have a lots of me and your dad in you (too bad you cannot choose your genes). You are after all, our warrior princess.

But would it hurt you to spend a little more time with you family (me!!!)?? You need to remember being at home in your room does not mean you are spending time with us.

The Horrible Grumpy Mommy

PS We cannot fit everything in the trunk

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